I love Christmas, it is my most favourite time of the year. From October onwards I am usually planning and looking forward to the big week of festivities, eating, drinking and gift giving. This year therefore has been rather tough. I am not used to feeling down during what is usually my happiest time. Depression, I am discovering, is a bummer.
Christmas day was undoubtedly the toughest. Trying to engage in the fun, desperately wanting to play with Lillia and all her presents but instead sitting glued to a chair breastfeeding for hours, exhausted beyond description, with a dark sensation pushing down on me the whole time.
Definitely not a Christmas I want to revisit. Though I will, over the years, many times I am sure. I will look back and remember and be grateful that I no longer feel that way, that I never again will feel that way at Christmas again. This depression will be behind me, I will make sure of it. I've come through a lot in my 33 years, I can get through this.
Lillia had a wonderful Christmas being thoroughly entertained by her (now thoroughly exhausted) aunt and eating far too many pink smarties whilst watching far too much television. But that's what Christmas is about, a little time out from the usual rules :)
I hope each and every one of you enjoyed wonderful Christmasses, and are still enjoying the Christmas week. I was lucky enough to receive many new books so as soon as baby Phoebe starts feeding a little more easily I am looking forward to getting some reading done during those long wakeful nights. Amongst others I received A Year in Provence by Peter Mayle, read many times years ago and then lost, I am so glad to have a new copy to re-read! I also got Kirsty Allsopp's Homemade Home book, a couple of novels, two cookbooks and a book on seasonal gardening (is there any other type of gardening..?) So there's plenty to keep me going should I ever get the chance.
On another note - despite all the doom and gloom and the apparent lack of productivity over here - I have actually been indulging in the odd bit of crochet time. I have a plan you see, a Big Project. Something that will play a part in dragging me out of this post-natal depression. More on this in a day or two...until then, Merry Christmas xx