Thursday, 16 December 2010

"If you're going through hell, keep going"


The last two weeks have been...rather...tough.

I have said before that I like this blog to be a happy place to visit, but just occasionally a dose of hard reality seeps in; the kind of stuff that isn’t all about crochet and clay, crafting and cakes and tea. But I think we owe it to one another as women, because the majority if not all of the readers of this blog are, after all, women, to be honest about the realities of motherhood and life.


I have been diagnosed with post-natal depression. It is to say the least a bit of a shock. I had felt pretty damn terrible after the birth of my first daughter, the beautiful Lillia, and I had assumed that was how you felt when you had a baby –not full of the joys of motherhood and bonding, not singing the praises of the beauty of breastfeeding, not cooing and cuddling and enjoying every moment – but feeling useless, incompetent, exhausted, confused, overwhelmed and incapable. I assumed that was how people felt and that you just didn’t mention it...because you’re not supposed to feel that way, right?


So I said nothing and I pushed on through it alone. It took months before I felt human again. This time though my midwife immediately picked up on the signs, sent me straight to my GP, who assessed me and referred me to a specialist unit at the local hospital. It has all been very quick, very straight-forward in a way. I suddenly find myself surrounded in support – family, health visitors, midwives, and even my own specialist PND worker. Now I know that it’s not normal to feel this way, but it is very common. The hormones of pregnancy and birth have messed with the chemical balance in my brain and caused the issue, it is nothing more than an illness, and one which I shall apparently emerge from with help, with hard work, determination, maybe medication, and time.


Christmas is usually my absolute favourite time of the year, but it is hard to find the joy I usually do in the festivities this year. I am taking it day by day and week by week at the moment. Hopefully one day very soon I will feel myself again.


Until then I will check in here when I can, keep you updated and I’ll be sure to wish you all a very merry Christmas.



  1. Ali, every respect for your honesty and openness. Use all the support you can get and take it at your own pace.

    I wish you all the best you can manage for Christmas and the new year and will look forward to catching up here when you feel up to it.

    Big hugs, Fiona xx

  2. I'm so pleased you feel you can share your feelings and thoughts with us. I'm sending you blogger hugs and best wishes. Really pleased to hear that you have a good support network around you and that your midwife picked up on it so early.
    I hope that Christmas goes ok, take care and go easy on yourself.
    Jenny x

  3. Gorgeous lady, nobody, and I mean nobody could go through what you have in the last few months and come through it unscathed, chirpy, happy and singing like Snow White in a glen full of bluebirds.

    You know where I am. I may be the other side of the world and I may communicate with you more through blogs than anything else nowadays but I am ALWAYS here for you, to lend an ear. My email box is always open and failing that there's Skype.

    I'm mightily relieved you have a great family and wonderful friends. I know you'll be fine.

    Love you lots

  4. PS - I LOVE those little ornaments with long hats. I would like to buy three for next Christmas please - when you get your creative time and energy back xx

  5. Oh Ali, I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm very glad for your sake that you now have a diagnosis and can get the help you need to get through it.

    Take care of yourself -- I hope you have a nice stress-free holiday. You deserve it!

  6. Hiya Ali, sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time. Sending you and your family lots of love, positive energies and christmas fun xx take care

  7. Oh, Ali. I'm sad to hear you thought it was normal and had to suffer through it, but I'm so glad to hear you've discovered it's not and are getting help. I get moderate PPD, and that's pretty tough--I can only imagine how hard this is for you. Just keep remembering you *will* feel better eventually. Just hang in there, ok? Hugs.

  8. So sorry to hear the turmoil you have been going through.My niece suffered with post natal psychosis and it was a terrible shock for all the unexpected.Happily with lots of expert care and special medication,she is now right as rain. Sending you lots of good wishes,hope you will be well again very soon.Take care.

    Bellaboo X

  9. hey gorgeous....that's just pants! Am SO glad you have the support this time will emerge and feel all the more better for it.....don't rush the process, take each day for what it is and please, please don't beat yourself up about it {or try and "work it out"}no matter HOW frustrating it gets ~ it is what it is sweetie....


    hello gorgeous xxx
    {from a fellow sufferer of depression}

  10. Hey honey,

    I'm so sorry to read this and really wish I was closer and could help out in some way. Please know that you are a strong strong lady and will be just fine esp with all that support. Hang in there girl, it WILL get better.

    Thinking of you.




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